ok, love you bye

As I watched one of my favorite movies a few weeks ago, tears silently rolled down my face. It is a movie about a break-up between two people who still really love each other but have to choose for themselves. Unless the fact that I do not have any ‘at the moment experiences’ that relate to the movie, it always gives me a good opportunity to cry a little – yes always, I think I’ve seen it three times now. I’m talking about the movie Someone Great, you can find it on Netflix. After watching it, I found myself in a weird mood; still a little bit sad but with a positive ring to it, feeling very eager to make some new memories. 

“Oh well, note to self. Four pints in, I’m someone else.” – Olivia Dean

I checked my Spotify to find a good song that aligned with my mood and stumbled across Ok Love You Bye from Olivia Dean. I never heard of her before, but immediately fell in love with her vibe. The beginning of the song reminds me a little bit of a tune from a Wii-game, which sounds weird but I mean that in the best way possible! The lyrics are about the aftermath of a fight Dean once had with her boyfriend. It’s supposed to feel like the morning after an argument, when emotions have cooled down a bit and you can look at the situation a bit more positive. Sitting on my bed with a notebook spread open in front of me and a pen in my right hand, I threw my hands in the air and sang along with the song. Happy tunes make a happy mood.

And honestly, that’s how I have been feeling for a week or two now. I had to leave some things behind in 2020 and as it turns out, realizing that was the best thing that could happen to me. I found myself having thoughts about the greater meaning in life for the past few months, about my purpose in this world and other heavy stuff that you actually do not want to spend the biggest part of your days thinking about when you’re at the age of 21 – or maybe ever. 

“But you’re no angel please. Could you just put up with me.” – Olivia Dean

I sought for some fulfillment in other people and found out that I have to seek for that in myself. Which is not the easiest pill to swallow, but one that does solve a lot of the thoughts and problems that have been bugging me for a few months now. Having moments in which you’re truly dependent on yourself are the ones you learn a lot from. However, I also experienced that spending a lot of time with my own thoughts can put me in a never-ending thinking spiral. Not necessarily a bad one – just one that takes some effort to come out of. I had to take a few steps back in 2020 and plant some seeds. And right now, I’m starting to reap the benefits. I’m in a way better headspace than I have been for a few months now, I feel lighter, really happy and grateful for the small things and I see every day as an opportunity to do something kind, good, creative, grand or just something that makes me happy. And there are truly a million ways to do that.

I have 2,5 weeks to go before my internship at NOS starts again. In my head, I’m counting down the days, but I secretly also really enjoy these days in which I can just prepare myself for a full work-schedule at a leisurely pace. I’ve done some online decluttering (mail inbox, social media etcetera) which feels like the best fresh start ever since I haven’t cleaned my mail inbox in three years – oops. I talk to a lot of my friends, enjoy very long daily walks, listen to many podcasts and read some good books. It feels very good to just do some stuff for myself and I’m noticing that making time for myself also means that there’s some newfound space to check in with my family and friends and spend time with them too. Also, I do still have some deadlines to tackle the next two weeks, so that keeps me busy. It’s the perfect start of a new year. I know that in terms of the normal life we’re used to, there is still a very long way to go. But I’m just taking it one step at the time, enjoying the things that are still possible and trying to make the best out of it. I feel like I haven’t done that in a few months now and I really don’t want to spend another day of not doing that. I have a good feeling about the upcoming months!

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