damn your love, damn your lies

Snippets of my diary.

It was a wonderful music day for me. While sitting on the bus and having a major main character moment, watching out of de window and feeling the winter sun warming up my cheeks and giving me a good glow, the amazing piano-fingers of Bruce Hornsby made me smile even wider. My mood lit up instantly. My dad told me a few days ago that I must have been born a few decades too late, according to my music taste. I thought about what growing up in the 70s and 80s must have been like. But honestly, I don’t feel too bad about growing up in the late 90s and early 00s either. There is even more music to be discovered and the old music has this authentic glow around it now that I guess wasn’t there when it just came out.

My mood floats around between really happy, energetic moments and sad, low points these days. That’s on the weird year that 2020 was. And on me for letting other people giving me the feeling that I am not and will not be [good] enough for them. And being totally bothered by that, even though I really wish I would be a little stronger. I know that it is in fact in my nature to feel very overwhelmed by negative emotions when they take control over my state of being. I do get a little annoyed by the fact that there is no in between though. It’s either the dancing, tapping my feet on the floor, banging my head on the music kind of happy or the sitting on the ground, head in my hands and wondering how on earth I can feel so bad about myself version of me. For now, I am proud of myself for having even the slightest bit of control over those moments, because I definitely didn’t have that for the rest of my – still short – life. I know what cheers me up and how to get my ass off the ground again, get active and work hard. I watch myself growing a little bit every day, and even though I’m not moving as fast as I want to right now, I still really appreciate the fact that I do indeed move. Even when it is a tiny baby step at a time. And I reckon that it just hasn’t been the best year for me and that it is time to stop being hard on myself and start getting the best out of every day.

The second song that totally blew my mind today is The Chain from Fleetwood Mac. I actually knew it before, I even have it on a record, but never listened closely. It makes me feel things I never felt before. Almost had me in tears. Not sad tears but proud ones. ‘Listen to the wind blow. Down comes the night. Run from the shadows. Damn your love, damn your lies’. Hell yeah! The song is about people splitting up, someone breaking his [or her] promise not to break the connection [relationship] between the two. How applicable. The bridge gave me goosebumps all over. It is very intense in the best way possible. That sound, that is the exact same feeling you get when you finally have the guts to get over someone who doesn’t see your value. If you ask me.

I want to focus more on the people around me. My best friend showing up with her family and a homemade surprise-cake at my front door. My grandmother holding my hands and looking deeply in my eyes, telling me it will all be alright. My roommates, knocking on my door and checking in on me. My mother calling me from downstairs if I want to watch a movie together. My sister hugging me. And my father giving me the sweetest smile to cheer me up when he knows I’m feeling sad. I truly am so grateful for having them and other wonderful people in my life. And I want to return my love in every way possible. That is going to be my main focus in the new year. Being kind to everyone and giving love to the people who are closest to me. Next to that comes my own sanity. Even though some people might have shown me otherwise, I am still very certain of the fact that I am worth someones while. I try to be.

Ending the day in the best way possible I found out that Call On Me by Eric Prydz, a song I grew up with, is actually derived from a different song called Valerie by Steve Winwood. What. A. Banger. It has the same recognizable chorus but a totally different vibe. It is a typical 80s song – just like the ones I love so much. The song has the high keyboard notes, a great bridge with a lovely sax and the overall feeling of being in love with someone and wanting their attention more than anything. It is so good and will from now on be the song I could close a weird year with on a cheerful note. Literally. I’m ready for something else now.

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