When I’m surrounded by people, I sometimes tend to feel lonely. Which may sound odd, but I’m positive I’m not the only one who gets it. To feel off a little and being stuck in your own head. Not feeling able to figure it out yourself but definitely not wanting to do that with someone else. Last night was one of those nights for me. I couldn’t really tell why, since I’m on a small holiday together with my family – my absolute happy place. But it was there, whether I could find a good reason for it or not.
So, I wanted to go to sleep very early to just sleep it off. However, my parents must’ve noticed something because they were all of a sudden very eager to spend some time together. I needed a small change of my mindset and nobody could’ve helped me better than they did. On this warm summer night, we hung around in the playground in front of our apartment. My dad and I sat on the seesaw for a while and my mom talked to us from the swing. The warm, soft wind blew through my hair and swept along my cheeks. It felt soothing to have some small talk whilst we were hanging around at a playground in the pitch-black night. The situation gave my head the first calm feeling I had felt all day.
After goofing around a little, just the three of us, my dad and I decided to go for a night walk in the forest next to our place. We’re staying in Germany, and beside a huge forest and a lot of nature, there’s not much to see here. I love that. It also means that when it gets dark – it really gets dark. I’m used to a lot of light pollution since I live in a big city, which makes me very aware of the darkness over here that strangely comforts me. Carefully putting one foot in front of the other, my dad and I try to find our way through the forest without using the flashlight my dad carries with him. Not being able to see as much as normally, other senses come in very quickly. The amazing smell of pine trees and wood flutters around in the air, while our ears are being treated with only pure nature sounds. Birds flying around, mosquitos buzzing and creaky branches beneath our feet. I feel at ease.
A few miles down the road, we decide to head back ‘home’. We settle ourselves down in the backyard, which contains hundreds of meters of meadows that find their place between the hills. Above us, the most majestic starry sky I’ve seen in a long time. After talking for a while and drinking some wine, it gets our full attention. As we lay down on our backs in the grass, we stare into the uncountable amount of stars above us, which seem to shine brighter the longer you look at them. Within seconds, we’ve found the Big Dipper. The Big Dipper leads us to the Pole Star, which on its turn leads us to other constellations. As we’re trying to define the Cassiopeia (or easier: the stars that shape a ‘w’ together), we’re all of a sudden surprised by a falling star. We all gasp. A few seconds of silence fall over us as we watch the bright, disappearing line the falling star left behind. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude pops up and I can feel my heart warming. The warmth spreads through the rest of my body and for a few seconds I think nothing but light.
With the stars even being more interesting as we spot a few falling ones, we make wishes, drink some more wine and have a good laugh. I’m aware of the fact that I feel much better than I did a few hours before, and thank my mom and dad for the nice evening. During the night’s events I felt very aware of every moment, which gave me a lot of peace. Last night was a lovely reminder of how much my family means to me and what we can really do for each other if one feels off. I think of myself as someone who feels the most comfortable on her own – but moments like these really tell me that’s not entirely true. What I take with me from last night, is that it can work wonders to reach out to people if you don’t feel too well. I needed a small change of mindset from ‘I’ll work this out on my own’ to ‘I need others to get some distraction with’. As I get older, I get better and better at knowing myself and knowing what I need to do to keep myself at ease and happy. But yesterday it were my parents who proved they know me even better than I do myself sometimes. And I’m grateful for our connection every day again.
Lisa Kroesen 